I like a quality hair conditioner as much as the next man but, having read the packaging of Lush's American Cream , I'm not quite sure that I really do want to bring all the boys to my yard. I wondered if, in order to acquire sleek follicles, this was a modern Faustian pact of sorts I was invited to indulge in? As such, before reviewing the product I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of such a trade-off.

   First, the cons:

   I'd be a little perturbed if, when I peeled my curtains, there was but a handful of young males lingering in the small expanse of land outside my window but all the boys? All of them? Aside from health and safety concerns stemming from fitting such an alarming number of youngsters into such a confined space, I'd find the whole thing rather uncomfortable - I don't deal with attention very well.

   Also, I do wonder, would all the boys who found themselves gathering in my yard be doing so voluntarily or would they eternally resent me for summoning them with my freshly scented hair? I've known children fill up with the rage of a thousand tsunamis when they become distracted from Minecraft Youtube videos for even a few seconds - making them stand in the cold, deprived of a secure Wi-Fi connection, for an elongated time would almost definitely fill their souls with a vengeful anger only comparable to that of a Conservative MP being informed that it is, in fact, illegal to spit and urinate on homeless people they pass on the street. I would not want to be responsible for this.

(A staging of the hypothetical event, Admittedly one of these is a "tomboy" rather than a boy but.... pretend you didn't notice.)

 Furthermore, what would the parents of these hypothetical children think of my modern day Pied Piper-esque escapades? Would I be liable to face criminal charges? How would I explain the situation to the police or to my friends and family for that matter? What would the post-man make of having to squeeze through a small human enclave to deliver me my daily letters?

   The fear of social embarrassment, caused by a perpetual throng of XY-chromosome boasting homo sapiens gathered in a huddled mass outside the rear window of my abode, would make it impossible for me to invite my in-laws around at any time. "Nice roast Kieron," they may say. "But why did we have to battle our way through a small squadron of cold and shivering children to be the recipients of your hospitality?" I'd have to shrug but know, full well, that the answer was the delightfully scented follicles which I had hoped would be the main topic of conversation for the evening. Curse you #TheBoyGang for stealing attention from my aromatic hair.


   Yet, whilst its certainly in my character to approach product reviews with this level of facetiousness , it would also be rude (and remiss) of me to not address the multiple Pros of Lush's American Cream Milkshake conditioner too.

   The medium-strength, compact conditioner (a little goes a long way) may retail at a relatively expensive price (mine was purchased in the states for $9.95) but its worth every penny/cent if, like me, you value nothing more than lingering, fragrant hair.

   Whilst some have noted that the product is not the best for moisturising hair, I must state that, unless you are battling any severe dryness, this conditioner is worth the investment both for the luxuriating feel one experiences during the application process and the lingering smell afterwards. The scent is primarily vanilla, as one would expect, but radiates subtle strawberry and honey notes too and does, indeed, leave one's hair soft to the touch and permeating richness. For maximum efficacy, I recommend utilising every other day.

   In conclusion, I must state that I now understand the "Bring all the boys to the yard" phrase found upon this packaging does not constitute something I could take Lush to the Trading Standards Agency over but, rather, the speel is a reference to a 13 year-old Kelis single called Milkshake.

   This is, I understand, something a poor copywriter had to come up with and I empathise dearly with regards to their struggles of succinctly capturing the essence of a hair conditioner in an arresting fashion. They jazzed up their copy with seven words from a dated R'n'B song whilst this writer deconstructed the issues pertaining to the phrase over several hundred. We're both, clearly, masters of our craft and I'm certain that there are literary lessons that can be learnt from this post but, you can bet your bottom dollar, I won't give them away for free. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.