Once upon a time, David Beckham and I sat down to conduct a promotional interview in a smoke-filled Tokyo bar. After discussing Samuel Huntington's pertinent The Clash of Civilizations and the deep humanist sentiments found within Ozu's post-war ouevre, the subject soon turned to the Londoner's true passion: the creation of sweet aromas in easily marketable forms.

   "When it comes to fragrances," the former England captain spoke to me "I like my bass notes as sweet as my free kicks."

   Except he didn't say this to me.

   There are two reasons for this: Firstly, I've never met Mr. Beckham and certainly not in an interviewing capacity. The second, and perhaps even more important factor, is that I'm quite sure that theorems relating to fragrance composition have ever crossed his mind. Which is peculiar considering the existence of an eponymous toiletry range which suggests a creative propriety on the ex-England footballers behalf. Indeed, in an insane feature on his site in which he appears to interview himself , Beckham states: "My fragrance, Classic, is an expression of my style… modern, elegant, masculine… I love it."


   We live in a peculiar time in which events don't have to have happened to have actually happened. Zoella, a.k.a Zoe Sugg, is the author of the fastest-selling debut book in UK literary history despite not having written the aforementioned book. Katie Price, too, seems entirely apathetic to the content of the tomes she sometimes pretends to have penned. And David Beckham - among an array of other celebrities I should add - gladly masquerades as a perfumier as a secondary career. Yet, one wonders, how much time Goldenballs has spent in laboratories with chemical compounds cultivating and captivating "modern, elegant, masculine" scents he expresses his fondness of over and over?

   That said, whichever anonymous intern put mixed together the ingredients (including Cocamidopropyl Betaine and Glyceryl Palamate - two of Becks' favourites I'm sure) for his signature Beyond Hair & Body Wash, has done a great job. However, as with all dual-function wash combos, the shampoo efficacy is not as great as a singular hair care specialist treatment.

   Yet, with regards to body wash, this is a rather fantastic budget range option. Currently retailing at just £4 for 200ml at Lloyds for example, this is a product which represents great value for money - the smell which radiates after a shower imbibes the user with a fresh aroma. Indeed, were I Beckham interviewing myself I would describe it as "modern, elegant, masculine." I would, however, keep the product away from my hair - as I'm quite certain he does too. Maybe I should have checked what he used when I met him in that smoke-filled Tokyo bar one languid autumnal morning.

   My interview with Beckham concludes with him passionately stating controversial anti-Royalist opinions and his belief that time will re-evaluate Tony Blair in a positive light. If he can imply he's designed a fragrance range, I can imply that I interviewed him. Neither of these things happened but - what's the fun in that?